none of you know how to cook, and it makes me sad

So, I’ve been debating starting this project for a good long while now. At first, the idea literally started when my friend Marina said she wanted the recipe for my Chicken Parmesan. I’ve been cooking since I was legit nine years old, because I was homeschooled and making lunch counted as Home Economics. Once you’ve been cooking for a while, your style goes less from “teaspoon of this, cup of that” to “ehhhh that looks good.”

Because of this non-recipe recipe phenomenon, that’s pretty much exactly how I ended up writing this recipe. Because really, 90% of cooking (not baking. Baking is a different matter entirely.) is winging it. With practice, you get really good at just eyeballing that shit and saying “yup, that looks right.”

Now, because these recipes are intended for millennial cooks who probably don’t know what the hell they’re doing, I wrote them exactly the way I talk in chat with friends. There’s a mixture of chat speak, slang, and some profanity for good measure.

I have no idea how to run a blog.

All these photos are taken with an iPhone camera because who has time to find the “real” camera? Just an FYI, that’s why they kinda look like shit.

look at the glorious golden brown

So with that, I present to you, Jules’s Bitchin’ Chickin Parm:

Jules’s Bitchin’ Chickin Parm


  • About 4 boneless skinless chickin titties.
  • 1 large egg (liquid chickin) per chickin titty
  • About a cup of flour. More if u need it.
  • At least 2 cups of Italian-style breadcrumbs
  • ½ cup grated parmesan cheese
  • ½ teaspoon garlic powder
  • Salt and Pepper to taste
  • Like ¼ cup of olive oil, or more
  • 1 jar or can of ur fave marinara sauce
  • Sliced mozzarella cheese
  • Sliced Roma tomatoes (2 slices per chickin)
  • Fresh basil leaves


  1. Preheat dat oven to 350 degrees Fahrenheit.
  2. Take ur boneless, skinless chicken titties, and use a rolling pin or a meat hammer (lol) to pound out the fat part till it’s all tha same thickness.
  3. Getcha 2 plates and a bowl big enough to put ur chickin in.
  4. On the first plate dump about a cup of flour (an amount that looks about the size of ur fist).
  5. In the bowl, crack open 4 liquid chickins, more if ur doing more than 4 chickin titties.
  6. In the second plate, dump a shit ton of Italian-style breadcrumbs. Make it like Jersey Shore. Also grate some fresh parm into that shit, and maybe half a teaspoon of garlic powder.
  7. Salt-n-Peppa them chickin titties.
  8. Start heating up some olive oil in ur favorite pan or skillet.
  9. Dunk the chickin titties in the flour, coat thoroughly. Do them one at a time don’t dump all the chickin into the flour u dummy.
  10. Slather that chickin all up in them eggs.
  11. Slap that eggy-chickin into them breadcrumbs and coat it all up in there. All over. No chickin left un-breaded. Do it with ur hands don’t be a pussy.
  12. When the oil in ur skillet is hot, gently lay that bitch to rest. It should be hot enough to sizzle when it hits the oil. Ur heat should be right around medium.
  13. DO NOT FLIP UR BIRD BEFORE ITS TIME. U will see the edges getting brown and the chickin on the bottom getting cooked. THEN flip it.
  14. Take a can or jar of marinara sauce an’ get that bitch ready to slather on ur fried chickin.
  15. Also get some Roma tomatoes and slice them sumbitches up.
  16. U need mozzerella (or whatever kinda cheese u prefer) and parm. Slices of the mozz, grated parm.
  17. I put fresh basil on mine but u ain’t gotta if u don’t wanna.
  18. Once ur chickin is thoroughly browned, slap them bitches in a glass oven-proof pan.
  19. Slather with marinara sauce. Slap them tomato slices on top o’ the liquid tomatoes u just put on the chickin. A big-ole slice o’ cheese on top o’ that bad boy, then ur fresh basil.
  20. Grate ur parmesan all over that son of a bitch.
  21. Put in the oven, bake till the cheese looks melty and is starting to brown. Like 10-15 minutes. Go get urself a glass of wine.
  22. BAM. Serve with pasta an’ a veg of ur choice.

2 thoughts on “none of you know how to cook, and it makes me sad

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s