the hash-slinging slasher

Yes I DID just make a Spongebob Squarepants joke, and you’re welcome. For the record, I was 8 years old in 1999 when Spongebob made his absorbent and yellow and porous debut. I’ll let you do the math from there, I’m certain you can handle it.

Wow Jules, condescending much? To make up for it, here’s a joke:

Q: What do you call a snobbish thief going down the stairs?

A: A condescending con descending.

Ahhh I kill myself. Whenever I tell jokes like that, James threatens to kick me out of bed. Or the apartment. Or the car. Wherever we happen to be at the time.

So this weekend, I made a big ass pot of my famous chicken bacon corn chowder, and we ate the entire thing in two days. I also made homemade chicken stock, which turned out amaaaazing and I froze it immediately so I’ll have it for a while at least. And I made apple butter. I was a busy gal, I just didn’t photograph any of it.

But my friend Maria did!

After I recruited some of my peeps to make a few recipes and send me the pictures, I stopped feeling QUITE so pressured to cook a million things all the time, since I am in fact, a busy adult with many things to do.

So Maria made hash for me. Hash is sort of one of the best breakfast foods, because it’s all in one skillet and you can add whatever the hell you want.

But the base of all hash recipes, are potatoes.

Mmmmm Yukon Golds. One of my favorite kinds of potato. Along with pretty much every other kind of potato. Except sweet potatoes, those can go die. I’m sorry, sweet potato lovers, but they’re awful.

I am actually a hobbit, jsyk

So with hash, the key is to figure out what combination of ingredients you like best. I’ve tried it a few different ways, but I keep coming back to good ol’ peppers and onions. Also, between the starch, grease, and protein, if you can stand in the kitchen long enough, it’s one of the best hangover cures in the galaxy. Or rather, you won’t hate your life quite so much while you eat it.

Maria says “It wasn’t until about potato number 5, that I realized I didn’t cube them… I’d gone too far and well…I couldn’t have cubed potatoes mixed with whatever this is…”

Well have no fear, that sort of oblong rectangle is usually how I do mine as well. Because fuck shapes.

As I said, hash is really customizable. Hell, all my recipes are meant to adapt and change however you want them. That’s the beauty of cooking at home. If you don’t like something, leave it out!

When you have all your veggies diced and sliced, it’s time to fry up some sausage. If you live in Oklahoma, chances are you’ve had Blue & Gold sausage, and you know that it is, in fact, the holy grail of all sausage brands. Unfortunately, it is only available in Oklahoma, Arkansas, Texas, and Kansas. I will use Blue & Gold in anything possible, but pretty much any kind of breakfast sausage is fine.

Mmmm this is making me hungry tbh. This is another recipe that would be pretty damn easy to make vegetarian or even vegan. You could do tofu instead of sausage, or just leave the animal-elements out entirely. If you do, I want to see pictures! (looking at you, Megan)

This is yet another cast iron skillet recipe. I know I keep saying I’m gonna teach you all how to season one, but I’ve gotten to where I do it so quickly that by the time I remember to take pictures, I’m already done. I’ll get it soon, I swear.

The chicken base is an optional step. It works just fine in lieu of chicken broth though, I think it’s like a teaspoon to a cup of water? Not sure, but the instructions are on the tub.

Why the water/chicken broth, you ask? Well, that’s to make sure your potatoes get all the way done inside. No one wants crunchy, undercooked potatoes.

What a lovely photograph of an egg

The eggs are another optional step, but they will really take your hash to the next level. And that level goes from “fucking delicious” to “oh my god actual manna from heaven.”

mmmm glorious

And again, your finished product may look completely different. No worries, people like different foods. Add some kale and use turkey sausage, I don’t care.

The Hash-Slinging Slasher
Houston we hash a problem


  • Like a bajillion potatoes. Or at least 2 per person
  • Breakfast snausage. A 1 lb tube*
  • About ½ a large onion, diced.
  • Garlic steak seasoning**
  • Salt-n-pepa
  • About ⅓ to ½ cup chickin broth or water
  • Tbh whatever else u want? I’d suggest some bell peppers or maybe diced tomatoes
  • Eggs!
  • Several tablespoons of vegetable or canola oil


  1. This is what happens when I write my own recipes without having another one as a guide. Everything is out of order. ANYWAY, as usual, prep first.
  2. Chop ur potatoes, I like them in about ½ inch cubes, but u can do whatever. Just make sure they’re not too big or they’re hard to get done. Dice them onions and ur other veggies you want in there too.
  3. Dump the whole tube of sausage (withOUT the wrapper you nasty) into a big ass cast iron skillet, and scramble it all up. Toss ur onions and other veggies in there, and get them all nice and brown too.
  4. Ur def gonna want to drain that grease, so make a big cup out of tin foil and put it in ur sink drain, then put the strainer on top of it. Technically if u wanna run grease down ur sink you can, but I would not suggest it.
  5. Transfer browned sausage to a bowl with some paper towels, and set it to the side (to the left to the left, everything you own in a box to the left).
  6. Pour a reaaaaallly generous dose of oil into ur skillet and get it good and hot. Like, probably 3 tablespoons or more.
  7. Dump ur potatoes into the skillet, on medium-high heat, and start crisping them bad boys up. You’ll need to flip them only a few times, but pay attention and make sure they’re not burning.
  8. When ur taters are crisp or ur tired of flipping them, toss that sausage/veggie mix back in, and add ur seasoning, salt, and pepper. Honestly just sprinkle till it looks like as much as u wanna eat.
  9. Stir it up in with them taters.
  10. Add the chickin broth to ur pan, make sure it’s up to a boil, then bump it down to a simmer, and cover with a big ass lid for ur big ass skillet.
  11. Probs let it simmer about 10 minutes or so, till the taters are soft enough to poke with a fork. But leave ur heat down lower for a bit.
  12. Now, this is a personal touch, but I like to make divots in the hash that go down to the skillet, and crack an egg down in each one. Add some salt and pepa, and re-cover it till ur eggs are set. But feel free to fry them separately, if you so desire.
  13. Congratulations, u just made a hella tasty brunch. I highly recommend this as hungover food.

* You can also use hamburger, or leftover steak, or pork chops, or whatever you have.

** Any seasoning is up to you too. I made this with a packet of ranch mix once and it was amaaaazeballs.



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