Sammiches Are Always Acceptable

Guess who’s back, bitches! Okay so I totally just blew off updating my blog so I could focus on NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month), but I have returned! I am certain you were all waiting eagerly on the edge of your seats.


Anyway, I’ve done plenty of cooking but not all that much photo-taking since the last recipe I posted. And I figure since it’s the holiday season, everyone is sick and fuckin tired of big fancy meals. So I’m gonna make this really, really easy for you:

Chickin. Salad. Sammiches.

Chickin salad requires next to no effore to prepare, and can be done while binge-watching TV and drinking shitty beer, aka the millennial winter activities of choice. If you feel so inclined, you can put this on toast, but I find that makes it a little too dry. Get you some decent wheat bread (I like the Nature’s Own Wheat Berry), and pretend to be a grown up while drinking decaf coffee with Rumchata.

The thing about making chicken salad is that most of the ingredients are, individually, disgusting. This pink goo does not look appetizing, whose idea was that?

Honestly, so gross. But together, it’s like being told Lee Pace has asked for you to accompany him to the Oscars, and you get to go shopping for a dress on his dime beforehand; but in your mouth.

Fun fact, my hubby gets offended that I tell him we don’t have relish because “we have class”. It’s become a running joke. But honestly relish is disgusting and should never be anywhere near a hotdog, ever.


But just look how glorious the finished product is? Scuse me now I’m hungry for chicken salad sammiches.

Chickin Salad Sammiches


  • 2-4 cans of white meat chickin chunks mmmmm doesn’t that sound appetizing
  • Mayo
  • Miracle Whip
  • Salt-N-Pepa
  • Sweet relish
  • 3-4 hard boiled eggs
  • Optional: fruits, nuts, diced onion. Go crazy.
  1. Listen up motherfuckers this one can be kinda tricky because there is legit no correct measurement for anything that goes in here. It’s all about what u want.
  2. Ur gonna start with at least 2 cans of chickin. I get it from Aldi cause it’s cheap as hell and as good as the Starkist shit.
  3. Drain that shit. If u don’t have a strainer, what are u even doing with yourself? I guess just open the can most of the way, and hold the top on while u flip it upside down, pressing the liquid out.
  4. Dump it in a big ass bowl.
    * You should actually probs have started ur eggs boiling first, instructions for that are at the bottom.
  5. Spoon in like 2 giant spoonfuls of Mayo, and the same or a little less of Miracle Whip. If you don’t like MW, just forgo it or use mustard, I don’t care, it’s your own life ur ruining.
  6. Add in salt and pepper to taste, and a couple tablespoons or so of the sweet relish. Now you’ll wanna stir, and then taste that shit. You may need a little bit of sugar if it tastes too salty or mayonnaise-y.
  7. Add in ur diced boiled eggs, stir again, and then chill. Serve up on some bread or with crackers, and don’t add cheese, u savages that’s disgusting.

*How to Hard-Boil Eggs Cause I Know Ur Too Lazy to Google It: Water, fill up a saucepan with it. Splash a little white vinegar in there, that way if ur egg cracks it will stay in the shell. Bring water to a boil, lower eggs in gently. Boil for like…Idk I do like 10 minutes because I’ve had them come out runny at 7, and I don’t mind them being a little overdone. Spoon them from ur boiling water into a big bowl of ice water. Wait till cool, bust up the shell with the back of a spoon, shell and dice as desired.


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