I Am Judging Your No-Bake Cheesecake

Look let’s be real here. Few things in life are as deeply satisfying as a firm, velvety, sweet-but-mildly-tart, baked cheesecake. If you can’t take it out of the pan without it losing its form, it’s not a real cheesecake. It’s more like that cheesecake dip that came out on pinterest a couple years ago (which is phenom, just btw).

It’s not that it’s not good, it just doesn’t qualify as cheesecake. Sorry, not sorry.

This cheesecake is so good, I’ve had people request that I bring it for family events, okay. That’s not even me bragging, it’s just how great this recipe is. I did have to adapt it from this one at A Treats Affair, because that one called for something called Swerve sweetener. Never heard of it? Me either.

So, as with every recipe, I took a look at it, snorted, and changed several things immediately.

The first of which being that I added several other steps including drinking a bottle of Cupcake Moscato, which while I did not regret it three years ago, I usually end up regretting a whole bottle now. But I also swapped out the fake sweetener (poser) for sugar, and laughed in the face of the places the recipe called for “fresh squeezed” juice.

I usually make this dessert for Thanksgiving, because while it is pretty easy, it is quite time intensive. You literally have to basically not do anything but wait for like 3 hours.

In fact if you DON’T wait, this happens

This was my first attempt at cheesecake, wherein I followed the directions for the most part, and realized that this was a faulty cheesecake-baking method. Also, if you’re a Doctor Who fan, this may be a crack in the universe. Unconfirmed.

-aggressive DW theme playing-

I typicall make this one for Thanksgiving, partly because I don’t have to shoo him out of the kitchen constantly, or beat him for asking too many questions. NO it’s not burning. NO I don’t need to check on it. YES, I should probably do the dishes.


But even with the cheese-crack in the universe, this recipe calls for slathering it in cranberry sauce, so you’ve got some room to work. When it’s chilled, the sauce gels into the best damn cranberry jelly you’ve ever tasted.


And, as with most recipes, you get better with practice. So go forth, and make cheesecake!

Not That Bitch-Ass No-Bake Cheesecake
The fuck outta here with that wobbly shit



  • Crust:


    • 8 oz (1 cup) whole almonds, pulverized (just go get a food processor, the BIG one is like $20 on Amazon)
    • A not-quite-full ¼ cup  sugar
    • 1 egg
    • 4 tbsp (that’s half a stick, children) cold butter, diced because FML
    • Generous pinch of salt


  • Filling:


    • ⅔ cup sugar
    • 1 tbsp lemon juice (original recipe said fresh squeezed but like hell am I gonna buy a lemon for a tablespoon of juice)
    • 2 of those bricks of cream cheese. Scrape all of it off that foil or I’ll haunt you when I die
    • 2 eggs
    • 1 egg white and I s2g if I catch you buying an egg-yolk separator…
    • ½ cup heavy cream mmmmm


  • Cranberry Topping:
    • 4-6oz fresh cranberries
    • ¼ cup orange juice (again, LOL @ fresh squeezed)
    • ¼-⅓ cup sugar


  1. FIRST THINGS FIRST I ALWAYS FORGET: Preheat ur oven to 350, and do.not.forget. To place a pan of water about 2 inches deep on the lower rack of the oven. Now, grease ur springform pans. Seriously they are like $9 for 3 of them at Walmart and will make ur cheesecake life easier.
  2. To grease the pans, make sure they are all snapped together for one thing. You can use butter if you want, but I just use plain crisco because it’s cheap and it works best. Take a paper towel, dip it in ur grease of choice and then just smear that shit all up in the nooks and crannies.
  3. Set that shit aside and get ur crusts ready.
  4. I pray for ur sake that you do not have a tiny-ass food processor like I do, because ur supposed to mix the crust IN the food processor and it’s a pain in my actual asshole with my tiny food processor.
  5. So first ur gonna crush up them almonds so they’re all in relatively small chunks. Ur gonna have to blend the shit out of them to get the right texture so don’t overdo it.
  6. Add the sugar, butter, egg, and salt, and cry over the fact that the original recipe says to “pulse a few times.” Go ahead and pulse it as long as it takes to get all the fucking cold butter incorporated.
  7. It will be sticky as hell.
  8. Dump it into the springform pan, and use a spatula to scrape it off the blade and out of the food processor because it will hate you. Press it into the pan, being sure to try and spread it as evenly as possible, and up onto the sides a little bit.
  9. Put ur crust in the fridge to chill while you make the filling.
  10. NOW FOR THE FILLING: Literally easier than the crust, it makes me insane. Hopefully, you anticipated making cheesecake, and set out ur cream cheese to come up to room temperature. If not, it’s fine, I forget to do that literally every time.
  11. ANYWAY you’re gonna dump the cream cheese and sugar into a bowl, and mix on low till they all combined. Refrain from eating the sweetened cream cheese.
  12. Throw in that heavy cream, eggs and egg white, and lemon juice, then mix until that shit is aaaallllll smooth.
  13. Take ur crust out of the fridge, and pour the filling into it. Scrape it all in there with a rubber spatula. You legit will not want to miss out on any of this cheesecake.
  14. Bake that bad boy in the middle of the oven for 55-60 minutes, or until the edges are golden brown and the center is just barely wiggly. Like, I mean BARELY.
  15. Now, turn off the oven, and leave it the hell alone. The original recipe called for opening the oven door a crack, but do not do this unless you want a gigantic fucking crack in your cheesecake. If you do, fine, whatever.
  16. Leave that shit in the oven, UNCRACKED, for at least 2 hours. When you pull it out, you can make the cranberry sauce topping.
  17. Literally dump the cranberries, sugar, and orange juice into a sauce pan, then set that shit to low. You MAY want to cover it, because when cranberries get hot they can pop and explode a little.
  18. Stir occasionally, and smush up the berries with a spoon until they are all smushed and a relatively smooth consistency.
  19. Run a knife around the edge of ur cheesecake to release it from the pan. Now the really fun part is getting it off the bottom of the springform pan (which is just a metal plate that drops in), without ripping your crust to shreds or cracking your cheesecake. My technique for this needs work.
  20. I would suggest putting ur cheesecake on a plate or serving platter, and then pouring the sauce all over the top. Chill and serve, and revel in the glory.



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