Chocolate Chip Cookies are the best invention since toilet paper. No contest.

Okay so Idk if I’m stressed or just distracted or what, but I have been a damn disaster in the kitchen lately, and when I tried to make cookies at like 11 last night, it was the most disastrous yet.

Okay so first of all, I made myself go to the store because I needed shit for cookies, which I agreed to make for our office Christmas gathering today. The store is in a town 20 minutes away, because I’ll be damned if I’m going to Hellmart the week before Christmas. But to get to Aldi, I had to venture near The Mall.

me too girl, me too

So, that was kind of a nightmare right there. I managed to get ALMOST everything I needed at Aldi (bought garlic powder because I thought I was out. Turns out I have garlic powder but I’m out of onion powder), so I had to go to a local grocery store that has good deals on shit. Got to drive and sing along to the radio, traffic thinned out as I got further from the mall, it wasn’t bad.

So at this point I’ve got all my groceries but it’s like 7 in the evening and I am running out of steam. Buy frozen pizza, go home, eat pizza. Somehow at it was suddenly like 9 PM, and I had not started cookies. So I did what any quasi-adult would do…and finished watching the first episode of The OA on Netflix. Worth it.

So I finally turned on the oven at like 9:45, and things just went downhill from there.


Broke a measuring cup that, admittedly, is about 4 years old and was like a dollar to begin with.


Did you guys know that if you’re not looking carefully, sesame oil kinda resembles vanilla extract? I do now. Luckily I noticed this as soon as I opened the cap, not after I had added sesame oil to my cookies.

you can’t see it well but there is egg white all over this countertop

Dammit David….

So things went OK for much of the actual mixing process, though I overestimated the capacity of my mixing bowl by a fair bit.

Nyoom….Anyway, Crisco, sugar, eggs, all that shit was fine. And then we got to the part where we have to add dry ingredients. Now, technically, there is more Crisco and brown sugar in this recipe than there is flour, but my mixer was already kinda full when I started adding the dry ingredients.

I did eventually get everything mixed, and all was well, and I ate two cookies hot out of the oven and then went to bed because it was 11:30 and fuck I have to get up at like 6AM.

It takes all my self control not to just eat the dough and call it good. I feel I should have mentioned that I made a TRIPLE batch of this shit, so if you make the recipe you should not have a problem with too much cookie dough. Then again, that might be a problem you want to have.

Oh my god. I’m drooling. This recipe is from and is literally the best chocolate chip cookie recipe ever, I’m sorry.

Ultimate Chocolate Chip Cookies
X Games Approved


  • ¾ cup butter flavored Crisco. Not butter, not regular Crisco, BUTTER. FLAVORED. CRISCO.
  • 1 ¼ Cup packed light brown sugar
  • 2 tbsp cow juice (milk)
  • 1 tbsp vanilla extract
  • 1 chickin fetus (egg)
  • 2 cups all-purpose flour. None of that specialized flour shit.
  • 1 tsp salt (do not skip this or your cookies will taste flat)
  • ¾ tsp baking soda
  • 1 cup of choccy chips
  • Optional: 1 cup walnuts or pecans


  2. Pre-heat yo oven to 375 degrees.
  3. In one big-ass mixing bowl, combine the Crisco, brown sugar, cow juice, and vanilla. For the love of all things holy, just go purchase a hand mixer and save yourself a lot of elbow grease.
  4. Add the chickin fetus in with the Crisco and accoutrements, and mix until that shit so smooth you kinda wanna just eat it like that.
  5. In a DIFFERENT BOWL, mix the flour, salt, and baking soda until combined. I know you can’t tell if they’re combined cause shit’s all white as cocaine but just…stir for a while.
  6. IN SMALL QUANTITIES ffs, incorporate the dry ingredients into the wet. Don’t just dump all the flour and shit into the bowl and turn on the mixer, or else you will have a flour cloud in the kitchen. Trust me.
  7. When it’s all mixed and shit, dump in the choccy chips and the nuts (heyooooo), and stir until just incorporated.
  8. Drop them bad boys by the tablespoon-full on a cookie sheet (cover with foil if you don’t wanna clean up lmao) and pop them in the oven for 7-9 minutes. Don’t overcook these, the slightly-gooey centers will fill you with joy.
  9. When they are nice and golden brown on the bottom, cool on a cooling rack or serving plate till you literally cannot stand it anymore, then eat them steaming hot, with a glass of cold milk.

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