Okay so I’ve mostly been eating junk food since Christmas and haven’t cooked a lot, but I did cook for NYE. I think my tasted buds were fucked up though because I over-salted EVERYTHING and it was basically a disaster. Only the ham, which comes with its own seasoning, turned out OK.
But when I don’t forget to buy milk and also that you don’t need to salt canned black eyed peas, that shit turns out to be straight fire. Not literally. Shit or fire, that is. Unless you’re drinking Fireball, in which case may God have mercy on your soul.
Honestly I keep having the same argument with a friend of mine about mashed potatoes. He insists that Bob Evans storebought mashed taters are better than homemade. I insist that he’s a prissy little bitch with terrible opinions. Love you Wy-wy.
I’m sorry but he’s so wrong. Homemade mashed potatoes are infinitely superior to that starchy gloop Bob Evans calls mash, and he can come to Oklahoma and fight me about it, I ain’t give a fuck.
Now, Idk about all y’all Yankees with your New Year’s Eve sauerkraut (wtf?), but in the south we do greens and black eyed peas. And if you’re me, you skip the greens because cooked greens are nasty. But black eyed peas? Done right? Oh mah gawd, child. So good.
You don’t even need a real recipe, they’re so easy. Take 1/2 an onion, diced, and about 2 cloves of garlic, and cook them on low till they are soft and all mushy. Take 2 cans of black eyed peas, and drain all that gnarly, slimy liquid out of the cans. Dump them in with the onions and garlic. Add about 1/2 to 3/4 cup of chicken stock, depending on how much pea juice you want. Simmer on low for at least an hour, covered.
Bam, impress your friends next New Year’s Eve by making hella good black eyed peas. DO NOT ADD SALT TO CANNED PEAS. Take it from me.
Now it’s time for the mashed potatoes. Why? Beause carbs.
Best Damn Garlic Mashed Potatoes
Bob Evans can kiss my ass
- Potatoes. Like, duh. Good rule of thumb is 2 per person
- Salt. It’s gonna look like an exorbitant amount, but at least 2 tbsp
- Depending on how many potatoes u use, it could be up to a stick, divided
- Milk OR heavy cream if u really want them to make u feel like ur being touched by angels
- Garlic. 2-4 cloves, again depending on the potatoes/how garlicky u like ur food. Minced up or just use a garlic press.
- This is another impress-your-relatives-at-holidays recipe. Honestly, u can use whatever taters u feel like, but I’d suggest not using bakers potatoes cuz they’re kinda sweet?
- Dice ur potatoes up into appx. 1” cubes. Smaller cubes cook faster but tend to leave more lumps, bigger cubes cook slower and are harder to mash.
- As ur dicing ur potatoes, throw them in a big pot. When they’re all in there, fill the pot with water, about an inch or two above the level of the taters.
- Put it on the stove and turn it up to high. Toss ur salt in there. I usually fill the palm of my hand twice and dump it in. STIR OMG. Do not forget to stir, or u run the risk of accidentally mummifying ur potatoes. I speak from experience here.
- Bring it on up to a boil. Potatoes are notorious for boiling over, so leave a wooden spoon across the top of ur pot. Don’t drop it low this time, well maybe just a little. Keep it at medium/high, and check periodically.
- I don’t have a real time for u because taters is finicky that way, but when u can stab it with a fork and they fall apart, ur done.
- While ur waiting for them to boil/boiling the everliving shit out of them, take about 2 tablespoons of ur butter, and ur minced/pressed garlic. Toss them in a small pan on LOW. Fun fact, garlic has a very low water content, so it cooks quickly. When u have it browned to ur satisfaction, remove from heat ASAP.
- When ur potatoes are done, dump them into a colander (the bowl with holes in it), or use other means to drain ur water. Black magic, the lid for the pot, whatever works for you.
- Transfer ur taters either a) back to the pot (NOT IF IT IS TEFLON. I REPEAT, DO NOT USE THE POT IN THIS STEP IF IT IS NON-STICK), or b) into a large, sturdy mixing bowl. If you must use the pot, be very careful with ur mixer.
- Now, add in quite a bit of butter. If I was making 6 potatoes, I’d probably do at least 4 tablespoons of butter. Make sure it’s in chunks, don’t just cut off half a stick.
- Also dump in ur garlic and butter from the skillet you definitely did not leave on the same burner.
- Use either a hand mixer (recommended) with the little x-blade thingies, or a hand masher, and start ur smashing process. Only mix till ur butter is incorporated for this step.
- Now is the time to taste it. Use a spoon, or a finger if you must. If it needs more salt (it’s possible, believe me), then add it in about a teaspoon at a time.
- Next, splash in ur milk or cream. Probably start with about ¼ to ⅓ of a cup. Mash or mix those taters some more. I like mine very creamy and smooth, so I’d probs add some more milk to get them reeeeeaaaaaallllly smooth.
- Taste them again. JK, they are ready. Eat them as a side dish, or in a bowl by themselves, if ur really that sad.