In All Its Glory, I Bring You…Taco Rice Shit…

You heard me.

It’s been a long year, and it’s only April…It is still April, right? Yes it is.

So, unlike some bloggers, I am not going to lay out my entire life for you. Lol I much prefer repression and alcohol. But suffice it to say it has been a hell of a year in my personal life.

Part of the more recent contribution to that phenomenon is actually a good thing, though. The last week of March, my hubby and I both submitted our resumes, interviews, and got offered jobs in his home town! So then we had two weeks to move…

We managed to find a house the day after we got the jobs, which was a goddamn miracle in and of itself (it had been unoccupied literally a day, they were still cleaning when we viewed it). But then we had to scramble to move in less than two weeks.

Liquor stores become your best friends for two reasons when you move: alcohol, and liquor boxes. The former you need to remain functional instead of pulling your hair out. The latter you need because they’re free and they’re the perfect size for like, a lot of stuff.

book boxes
not pictured: 4 more boxes of books in the living room

I uh…I have a lot of books. Like, a lot a lot. An impressive amount, even. Aside from coffee and rubbing people’s freshly shaved heads, books are the most addictive things that have relatively few side effects. Other than severe emotional trauma.

ANYWAY, the point was that liquor boxes make superb packing boxes because they’re pretty hard to over-fill. Other than my hubby’s coin collections, the books were the heaviest things and even then carrying them wasn’t terrible. But IRONICALLY (moving a box of candles, no less), despite my not-too-heavy boxes, I managed to tweak my back. No, not tweak: fucking annihilate my back. I pulled a muscle, and that hurt a bit but I’ve had those before.


But that pulled muscle irritated the everloving shit out of my sciatic nerve. Have to say, collapsing in pain in the hall of my apartment was a new sensation. The scalding pains down my left leg were a fun addition as well. So (“conveniently” says my husband) I was down for the count when it came to moving the furniture. Believe me when I say, I’d rather have to move furniture every day than ever have that particular type of pain ever again, knock on wood.

BUT enough about the move for now: you people are here for a recipe!

When we found out we were moving, I started doing this little thing called “using up all the food we have in the fridge.” It went OK, we mostly just had condiments and drinks left. RIP, my awful attempt to make limoncello.

What I did happen to have was some chicken breast, some bell peppers, and Mahatma Saffron Yellow Rice. If you can buy it in stores where you live, I hate you. If not, Amazon.

Taco Rice Shit1

Y’all know I love me some peppers and onions. In this particular case, I had saved the orange and yellow bell peppers for something extra tasty, and this was it.

Now, a while back I figured out a trend amongst my friends: none of you can fucking cook rice. “Oh just get a rice maker!” They say. Well, that idea can go fuck itself with a cactus, most of the decent ones of those are over $100. I ain’t doing that shit when I get perfect, fluffy rice in a pan on the stove.

And I’ll share my secret with you: LEAVE THE GODDAMN LID ON YOUR RICE WHEN YOU COOK IT.

Every one of my friends I’ve asked about it says “it turns sticky” or “it doesn’t get done”, and I am here to tell you, this is why. It feels wrong, I know, to put a lid on a pan and walk away. But I assure you, it is the key to perfect stovetop rice. And when it’s done, you just fluff it with a fork and put the lid back on till you’re ready to stir.

Taco Rice Shit4

Upon starting this meal, I realized I had no taco seasoning. I found a recipe, but theirs was kinda stupid so I changed it a fair bit.

It looks kinda underwhelming, I know, but it was fucking delicious. And see how perfectly fluffy that rice is?

Taco Rice Shit8

After initial testing, I just mixed it all in a pile and devoured it like the proverbial starving children in Africa.

Taco Rice ShitNo actual shit involved


  • 1 whole onion, cut in strips
  • A couple of bell peppers…also cut into strips
  • 2-3 boneless skinless chickin titties
  • A lil bit of chickin juice (honestly not even enough to cover the chickin)
  • Christ almighty just a fuckton of spices okay here goes:
  • A tbsp* chili powder
  • ½ tsp paprika
  • ¼ tsp garlic powder
  • 1 ½ tsp cumin
  • ¼ tsp onion powder
  • 1 tsp salt
  • ½ tsp black pepper
  • ¼ tsp oregano
  • ¼ tsp cilantro**
  • 1 can black beans, drained
  • 1 bag sweet frozen corn
  • 1-2 packets Mahatma Saffron Yellow Rice***
  1. Dump ya onion and pepper into a pot with a lil drizzle of olive oil.
  2. Saute them aromatic strips of goodness for a few till they start to get soft.
  3. Toss ya chickin titties in the pot with that chickin juice and spices. Simmer for like…Idk, 20 minutes? 45 minutes? I don’t remember how long, just keep it low and slow till you can shred it with a fork.
  4. Pls be sure and drain ur black beans or else the whole dish gets this weird grainy texture and a vaguely black tint. But add them to ur pan of chicken.
  5. I buy the microwavable bags of corn so I just steamed it.
  6. NOW FOR ALL Y’ALL BITCHES WHO CAN’T MAKE RICE: I think I figured out what y’all fuckers is doing wrong.
  7. Do.
  8. Not.
  9. Stir.
  10. The.
  11. Rice.
  12. Rice (almost all rice) is 2 parts water, 1 part rice. The Mahatma rice comes with instructions. Use the prescribed amount of water and butter, bring to a boil, dump in the rice, reduce to a simmer, cover and then fucking don’t touch it for 15 solid minutes. DO NOT TOUCH IT. In 15 minutes, lift up the lid and look/listen. Can you still see or hear liquid? Give it another 5 minutes. If not, take it off the burner, fluff it with a fork a little, and leave it covered till you’re ready to serve. I guarantee perfect rice.
  13. That’s it! I ate my chicken mixture with some almost-stale tortilla chips and cheese, and stirred it all in with the rice and corn.


*all measurements are approximate. Just fuck about with it till it tastes good.

**If u want it.

***This is nearly impossible to find in stores but there’s nothing comparable at walmart so I legit buy this shit on amazon.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s