Recipes

*entices you with chocolate cake recipe*

There will be chocolate cake involved in this post, despite the fact that I, in defiance to every stereotype about women everywhere, do not like chocolate cake. But my mother does, and she requested this recipe for her birthday. After having made the thing, I am going to say that I believe “cake” is a misnomer here. Cake is made from batter, and this chocolate monstrosity is obviously concocted from the soul of the first cacao tree that was cut down by some wayward Spaniard, probably.

It’s really fuckin’ chocolatey.

BUT I am also going to use this opportunity to promote my brand new novel, which is now available for purchase on Amazon. It’s quite a fun little fantasy story, but definitely not kid-friendly. Much like this blog. If genderfluid shapeshifting threesomes sound like your thing, you should purchase it Here for Paperback or Here for Kindle.

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yes I designed the cover myself

OR, if you’re interested in Norse Mythology and interesting interpretations thereof, check out the novella of my good friend Chancity Moore, which is free for Kindle Here.

NOW, into the nitty gritty. This cake is not that big a pain, because it starts with a boxed cake mix. Yes, okay, I don’t bake so this is the perfect kind of recipe for someone like me. Fuck off, baking is hard.

Also, the recipe initially said to grease and flour the bundt pan. Well, my mother is a chocolate fiend so I greased and cocoa-ed the pan instead. I also got cocoa powder ALL OVER MY KITCHEN because I am inept when it comes to baking.

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Now, this recipe came from somewhere I haven’t the faintest clue, and was written on a chocolate-stained notecard from my mom’s recipe box. As are all the best recipes. I tried to get her to let me share the carrot cake recipe for which she is famous, but it’s a family secret. BUT, since there is no verifiable source for this recipe, I don’t entirely remember it, so we’re just gonna fuck about and hope for the best.

There’s nothing better for greasing cake pans than Crisco. Any southerner will tell you. They’ll also claim it’s best for frying chicken, but I find that debatable. Now, the grease/cocoa powder combination will make this a pain in the ass to clean later. Just douse it liberally in dish soap and get up in the crevices, you’ll be fine.

While you’re molesting the bundt pan with Crisco and then trying to get cocoa powder to cling inside all of the weird little niches, preheat your oven to 350 Fahrenheit. 350 is like the magic temperature for most baked goods.When in doubt, just stick with 350. Trust me on this. Trust me, the person who avidly professes to hate baking.

Anyway, the rest of the recipe proceeds as: 1 chocolate cake mix, 1 packet of pudding mix, 2 cups of chocolate chips, 2 eggs, 3 tbsp cocoa, and 1 3/4 cup of milk.

*Edit* I started this post back in March and it’s taken me this long to get my mom to send me a picture of the recipe since I got it from her and had sent it back with her after her birthday. So forgive me if the tone changes.

I’m not certain I mentioned that I made this cake for my mom’s birthday, but I did. And I got the funniest card for her.

I am an awful child. But I made cake, so it makes up for it.

This chocolate monstrosity was so thick I had a hard time scraping it out of the bowl, honestly. Thank god for my KitchenAid, or else an arm would get hella tired trying to stir this shit.

And then the stupid batter looked like it was not going to fill enough of my bundt pan, but I said fuck it and put it in the oven anyway. For this one you bake it nearly an hour so you have time to go get drunk or snort adderall in the bathroom. Idk, I don’t know your life. I don’t suggest snorting anything but you do you.

Also, looking now at the directions, I see I was supposed to sprinkle it with powdered sugar. I didn’t do that, and this shit was so rich it would choke a horse. But like, in a good way.

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And there you have it! The Death By Chocolate Cake. I’m lazy so I’m just gonna attach the picture of the instructions, and you can just get the hell over it 😉

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