Recipes

Dirty Little Strumpets

Yes, that is the actual title of this dish. No, it’s not a typo.

It does, however, have a fantastic backstory.

So, flashback to some time either my senior year of high school or shortly thereafter (late 2009 or early 2010). I joined a site called Equinox RPG (shameless plug). It was, as you may have guessed, a Twilight-themed text-based RPG website. It was also one of the best things that ever happened to me on the internet.

It wasn’t long before I met my friend Melly, as we bonded over our mutual love for Vin Diesel. Over the last several years we’ve become very close, and in June I got to travel to Pennsylvania for her motherfucking Handfast Ceremony, bitches.

melly&Jermy
Melly & her stupid husband Jeremy exhibiting how fucking tall they are. Fuckers.

Anyway, at some point a year or two ago, Melly was re-watching True Blood, and the episode where Eric uses the term “dirty little strumpet” was on. The conversation progressed like this.

Melly: I want the words “dirty little strumpet” tattooed on my ass along with a pastry.

Me: Uhhhh….okay? Why?

Melly: Because Eric Northman.

Me: No, I get that, but why a pastry?

Melly: A strumpet is a kind of pastry, right?

Fast forward to now, where I’m still laughing about this exchange. Anyway, at that point the idea of the “strumpet” was born. We decided it needed to be made of the sexiest ingredients possible. Thus, puff pastry, cherries, chocolate, and whipped cream.

It’s actually not complicated at all and the thing that took the longest was cutting out pieces of puff pastry.

This part did take for fucking ever. Because all I had were stupid cheap ass square plastic cookie cutters from walmart. And because this was an experiment, I didn’t know that putting an egg wash between the layers was important until the second batch. Ah well, you live you learn.

I also got to use my friends David, Kristen, and Stu as guinea pigs. They said they enjoyed them, and I trust them to not bullshit me.

I also made my own whipped cream for this venture, because there is almost nothing in the world more delicious than homemade whipped cream. Don’t fight me on this, it’s true.

Yes, that is a BBQ grill brush. Don’t @ me, I know I need a pastry brush.

Also, for the first batch I baked them halfway and then filled them with cherries. It very much did not work, just FYI.

You can see how much the cherries sunk down into them. I just topped them off and said fuck it with the second batch. But look how pretty!

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But look how fucking scrumptious these look. LOOK AT THEM. And, to be fair, they also tasted glorious.

One of the benefits of having a wide group of friends is that occasionally, one of them is from England. And will agree to fix you a proper British dinner when you come over for game night.

Lemme tell y’all, I have at last seen the light. Fuck dinner rolls, Yorkshire puddings are where it’s fucking AT. They’re like a pancake had a love child with a crescent roll but better than either of those things.

He also made us a cottage pie (like a pot pie but with mashed potatoes instead of crust, therefore better.

Dinner was so good I legitimately just inhaled a plate full of food (including about 4-5 Yorkshire puddings…I lost count) and was left staring at it all sad. But then there was dessert!

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I completely forgot to take a picture of the one I put on my own plate, so I had to steal hubby’s plate for a second before his was gone. These were super tasty, 10/10 would and will make again.

Flakier Than Your Bridesmaids Dessert Strumpets
AKA Dirty Little Strumpets

Ingredients

  • Puff Pastry. 2 Boxes, 4 sheets. Don’t ask me how to make it, I’m not a masochist
  • 2 eggs
  • 2 cans of cherry pie fillin’
  • Dark chocolate melting wafers
  • Whipped cream OR Heavy whipping cream, powdered sugar, and vanilla
  1. Given the nature of this dessert, I wanted these to have the sexiest ingredients ever. Cherries, chocolate, whipped cream. Puff Pastry dear god is there a sexier dough?
  2. Okay so you’re gonna wanna preheat your oven to 400.
  3. Please, please be sure and set your puff pastry out. It comes frozen, and it  is legit impossible to work with while it’s frozen. You’ll break little bits off.
  4. When it is reasonably defrosted, however, roll that shit out nice and big. My squares ended up being about 3”x3” because that’s the size of cookie cutter I had.
  5. Anyway cut out squares (or circles. Whatever I ain’t your kindergarten teacher), three per strumpet. For two of the layers, cut out a hole from the middle as well.
  6. Stack ya layers of puff pastry dough, with the solid one on bottom, and use a whisked egg to wash each layer, pressing them lightly together.
  7. Bake them bad boys for 15-16 minutes each. If you feel so inclined, sprinkle them with sugar before popping them in the oven.
  8. IN THE MEANTIME: melt ya chocolate with just a little teensy bit of butter. Just do it in the microwave, it’s fine. Also pop them cherries (yeaaaaaah boiiiiiii) in a pot on the stove and heat them up low and slow.
  9. When you pull your strumpets out of the oven, spoon some cherries into the cavity (hole? Orifice? There’s not a good way to put this) until they are full to the top.
  10. Drizzle that shit with chocolate.
  11. Top with whipped cream and serve your slutty, slutty pastries.
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