Get Rekt Son Cuz I’m ‘Bout to F Up Ur Life With This Cottage Pie

Hi, it’s me, your friendly neighborhood Spider-Man.

Jk. Probably. All I’m saying is that no one’s ever seen me and Peter Parker in the same room before, and we’re both hella awkward.

And, like Parker, I like to give back to the people. That’s right folks, today only for the low low price of free, you get not one but TWO recipes.

One of them is not, mine, alas. I am not experienced enough to be able to put it so eloquently as my dear friend Stu. No one is as eloquent as Stu. His favorite phrase is “fuck off” at last as far as I can tell. He is British, after all.

You all may recall a while back, when I made my Dirty Little Strumpets, my friend Stu made us Yorkshire Puddings. Even now, months later, just writing about them I’m hungry for the little buggers. BUT, lucky for me, Stu imparted his recipe knowledge to me. Because he loves me.

For comparison’s sake, here were Stu’s:

They were light, and fluffy and delicious.

LES INSTRUCTIONS! (Vive Le France!)

Note: I did my oven at 410 I believe, which was too hot because mine didn’t get as fluffy and they got a little bit dark. HOWEVER, aside from that one thing, I devoured them all. I even made one big one in a cake pan because I had some extra batter.

Now y’all, the main course of this dinner wasn’t the Yorkshire Puddings. Despite how many of them I can eat in one sitting, they’re not like, super filling.

No, for this dinner I made something that I’ve had the recipe sitting around for like, ages. Ages I tell you.

Although I had to rename it because it is not, in fact, Shepherd’s Ppe. The difference between Shepherd’s pie and Cottage pie comes down to what you put in it. Unfortunately, neither variety is made with either shepherds or cottages, so they’re both a bit misleading.

But yes, Cottage pie (what is depicted in this recipe), is made from beef, while Shepherd’s pie is lamb. It really is that simple.

And Imma be honest with y’all, I didn’t even follow my own recipe exactly this time, mostly because I had leftover brisket to use. It was tender and delicious and then you dump gravy on top of it? Perfection.

Oh, pro tip: for stuff like this, the powdered brown gravy mix works absolutely as well as making homemade stuff. Save yourself some time and effort.

Baked AF Cottage Pie
Don’t be a shit I know it’s all baked.

Ingredients

Filling

• 1-1 ½ lbs lean ground burger. Or venison. Or lamb. IDGAF
• 1 diced onion
• 2 stalks of celery, sliced-n-diced
• 3-ish medium/large taters
• Like 2 big carrots or 3 smallers ones as many carrots as u want
• ½ bag of frozen corn (if u want)
• ½ bag of frozen peas (again, if u want)
• Salt, pepper, and thyme, rosemary, and garlic powder, to taste.
• Like 2 tablespoons of flour
• About a can of beef broth

*Optional: a couple tablespoons red wine. I like it.

Mashed Potato Topping

• 2 large-ish potatoes, diced
• A couple big spoonfuls/slices of butter, like probably 4 tablespoons
• Salt-n-pepa
• A splash of milk Idk I can’t be more specific
• Some parmesan cheese & Chives (optional)

1. GET YO OVEN TURNED ON. All yeah. Nice and steamy. About 375℉ or 190℃.
2. Aight now dice up ur onion, celery, and carrots and taters. Saute the onions, celery, and carrots in a medium saucepan until they all soft and smellin’ good an shit.
3. In a different saucepan, toss them taters and some beef broth or chickin broth or water, just enough to cover them up, and some salt, and bring to a boil. Boil the shit out of them till u can stab them with a fork and they fall apart. Drain them puppies.
4. Add ur ground cow in with them onions and celery and carrots, and brown it all up. No need to drain it unless it’s really fatty. Toss some of them taters and any and all frozen veggies you choose in with that shit. (Leave enough taters to mash up and spread on top)
5. Next add ur flour, sprinkle it over the top and stir it all up till errything looks well coated. The next bit is a lil complicated so ur ass has to pay attention.
6. Almost forgot now is a good time to add ur spices an’ shit.
7. Add the beef broth in a lil bit at a time, start with about a cup or so and then turn ur fire up so it starts boiling. If it looks too thick, add more broth. Try not to get it too thin but it don’t really matter it’s gon’ taste bomb anyway.
8. When u got somethin’ resembling gravy, turn off the fire and grab yo ass a nice size casserole dish. I like a round one but u can use a square or a rectangle, whatever.
9. Spoon all that good ground cow-n-veggie gravy into the baking dish and put it aside.
10. Back to those potatoes you totally remembered to set aside for mashing: throw ya butter in and using ur mixer of choice (masher, hand mixer, stand mixer), smash them bad boys all up together. Next salt and pepper the taters (lightly, u can always add more) and splash a little milk in there. Mix some more. If it looks good to u, great ur done; if not, keep mixing/add some more milk.
11. When u get ur taters the way u want ‘em, spread ‘em aaaaalllllllll over the top of that beefy goodness in the casserole dish. All over it. Just like that, ooh baby.
12. If u want, sprinkle ur parmesan cheese and some chives or parsley or some shit all over that bad boy.
13. Pop the whole thing in the oven and bake for about 20-25 minutes, or however long it takes to brown the top.
14. Serve with homemade bread or some shit, because carbs.